I stalked you and your girlfriends on facebook tonight.  Out of sheer boredom and nothing else.  I am lonely tonight.  Wishing I had someone and thinking about when I did and I was still lonely.  I want to text you something nasty to make myself present in your night.  Hope I fuck up your feelings.  I want to tell you that you are a jerk one more time, as if this time somehow, it'd get through your fucking head.  But it wont and I know it and I really do pity you deep down.  Instead of calling to hear your lies or texting to read your bullshit, I decided to blog where I doubt you will ever see it but the only place I can let it out for the pain in my words that it is to me.
You broke my fucking heart a zillion times over and I am free of you.  It has been about five months now.  But still, I feel the pain and hurt and scars of you.  And the beast in me wants to keep hurting you. I want to kick and poke at you.  Even when I know that you don't give a damn.  It hurts me still.  That I loved you so hard and you turned out to be my undoing.  
Now I'm picking up the pieces.  Because I chose life, and the possibility of a better existence for our kids over the sickness pain and hurt that was you.  But late at night, when my babies are sleeping and this house is quiet, I think of you.  I think of all that could have been and all that was.  I think of what it really is.  A hot mother fucking mess.  That's what it is.  I do not regret walking away and I never will.  I tried so hard for so long to make it better and to stay even though it wasn't.  I warned you...
And now I am gone but I'm still mad about going.  Isn't that a bitch!  I am mad that you still are such a retard that you cant see your fucking sins or see that I see right through your bullshit and have for sometime now....I'm mad that I am seeing it all from the other side now and am just as mad at me.  People say that abuse is bad and that if you're in a relationship with someone who hurts you then you should just walk away.  If I had, who knows who I'd be now.  But I wouldn't have the girls either...But I wouldn't wear the scars you've given me either.  I wouldn't think that no matter how many fucking love stories I read, love is a fucking fake ass joke and good guys don't exist.  When all you know is hurt and pain and meanness in a relationship, how can you ever really believe that people actually love and respect and appreciate eachother in a relationship?   I wish there is a good guy out there for me.  Someone who someday makes me see that I am worth loving and treating like a princess and staying faithful to.  But I'm just a shell of the girl I once was.  I am just the remains of your love and what you did to me cannot be undone.  Who will love me now?  I'm having a hard time loving myself these days.  Its hard to believe that there's love out there for me still.  After all the years of you telling me how bad I am, I actually might believe it a bit.  I try to prove a little bit more each day that I am nothing that you said I was, but deep down, I hear your voice in my head even that you are gone.  I married you, I joined my heart to yours.  I carried two of your children.  I wept for you, I bled for you.  I still do.  I hate you.

I am free of you

but my heart is still damaged.

You wont let me go.

Autumn is here now.

My soul, heart, mind, is changing.

I am older now.

By spring, you'll be gone

from my conscience and my ways.

Thoughts will be my own.

Winters uncounted

I slept in the dark of you.

Not this year. I'm free.

And when summer comes,

I'll dance in the heat of ME.

I'll say, "Ha-cha-cha!"

Okay, so here goes something I hope.  Its been months and months since I've blogged but not a minute goes by that these thoughts in my head and feelings inside of me make burning words I wish to push out....I left him.  I picked up my kids and our important papers, and I quit my jobs. I ran through my house with a roll of trash bags and twenty good minutes to clear out.  I packed up my Yukon, and I bounced.  My babies and I went to live with family until I can get on my feet in this new city.  Hurts to say that still.  I did 8 years of loving him with the entirety of my soul.  I almost died in the oblivion that was his "love".  I moved away, I filed for divorce, and I'm starting over. I go to a domestic violence program.  I go to counseling, I have a psychiatrist. I go to peer support groups.  I am a survivor of a life I never wanted to admit that I lived.  I still feel that shame I felt while in it, that prevents me from talking about it sometimes.
  I have new problems now too.  I get panic attacks.  Anxiety is driving me crazy.  Depressed, anxious, stressed out, weepy, angry, insecure, scared shitless.  I feel like my shoulders are pinned to my ears and I'm in a constant state of stress and tension and nervousness.  I go hard on myself, mean and demanding of me.  I'm my own worst critic.  Seems like I don't need him to tell me anything, I can say it all on my own.  A broken record in my head.
  I feel like the girl in How To Love.  I am insecure.  I am terrified.  I had a lot of crooks try to steal my heart.  I wonder will anyone ever even really love me.  Is there someone out there who even knows how to?  I don't even know how to love myself.  I don't know what I deserve.  I'm not even ready to love, or look for love or anything like it, but I doubt I will know it if I saw it.  I just hate this lonely.  This feeling like I spent my life trying to fix a love that wasn't ever gonna be right and now I cant even love myself.  I can't even sit in the quiet with myself and be okay with what we talk about.  Me and I don't get along.  I don't like this feeling.  I don't like to feel.  I don't want to feel.
  So I started to run.  I felt like kicking and screaming and burning down the entire world.  I felt like lashing out and attacking anyone and everything in my path.  Total destruction, utter devastation.  Hurt like I do motherfuckers, and so on and so forth.  So I stood up out of my pity party chair, put my shoes on and ran right out of my garage and down the street.  Very Forrest Gump-ish I know right, "I just felt like run-ning".  The faster I ran, the harder my breath was drawn in and out of my lungs, the less even my inner voice was able to shit talk.  I ran until my head was quiet.  I ran until my legs were jelly.  I ran until sweat poured and my lungs burned.  Felt pretty good. Until the soreness set in the next morning.  But I took care of myself and the next time I warmed up first and stretched and all that good shit.  I got my ipod out and did it right the next time, but then I even turned it off and just ran in silence.  I never pictured me for a runner, but there I was, out there run-ning.  I told my counselor and she had a book about running as therapy.  I downloaded a couch to 5K running app on my droid.  I got out and got running.  I was like NIKE, I just did it.
  Then my counselor said, maybe I need to hear my head again for a while.  What kind of shit is that?  After 28 years, I'd finally found a safe and healthy way to make my thoughts shut the fuck up and I should not do it so much?  Wow.  I need to think, I need to feel and hear myself and learn to love me blah blah blah.  She told me to journal, to blog, to do poetry and integrate that with my running.  So this morning, my fingers are running over this keyboard instead of my feet beating the pavement to the base line of Adele's Rolling Through The Deep.  And I think I may feel a little bit better....

Shit My Mom Says...Mondays

  Wow, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post.  I've had bloggers block I guess.  I recently subscribed to Evernote (awesome shit) and am using it to keep track of blog topics, but I haven't been able to form any coherent thoughts worthwhile enough for a blog post.  Mom has had plenty of things to say in the last couple of weeks....

• My mom has her 215 and she's gone to the club to get her medicine and takes forever getting back.  I know it's because she has to talk to everyone she sees between her front door and her destination about whatever comes out of her mouth.  When she returns, she seems a little out of sorts so I ask what happened. 

     "I'm in the club waiting for the lady to take care of me and another lady comes in and asks the price of the edible suckers.  $4.50!  $4.50 for a fucking sucker, mind you, and this lady wants to buy 20 of them!  I scoffed and told that lady I didn't see the need for anyone to buy 20 suckers unless they're taking them to a daycare!"

  I almost choked on my own tounge laughing at the image of a daycare filled with nice, quiet, laid back little stoner toddlers, all ready for snack and a nap!  Now, I want everyone to understand that this one was completely just mom talking shit.  She does not share with children lol.  Her motto is "if you just say no, there'll be more for me."  But of all the shit my mom says, this was one of those things she said in public which made it even funnier to me.

• We talk every morning, either she calls me ass-crack early, well before my alarm goes off and then I end up oversleeping and Nonna misses the bus; or I go to her house the next town over after dropping the baby off at school.  This morning's conversation went a little something like this:

   "Mornin' Mama, how are you today?"
   "I'm fine Tina, how are you?"
   "Decent.  Whatcha doin' mom?"
   "Same thing I do every morning."
   "What's that mom, trying to take over the world?"
   "What?  I don't give a fuck about the world, I just want a man with a big ass crop I can take over!"

  Can't help you there mom, but it did lead me to the belief that medical marijuana patients should have a dating service.  Mom needs her a man.....a man with a master plan!

• Mom has a problem with authority.  She hates cops, doctors, firemen, pharmacists...basically anyone with a badge or with  medical credentials.  If a cop today were to stop her on the sidewalk to let her know she had dropped her wallet, I'd probably have to bail her out of jail for accosting an officer.
  She would talk so much shit before the poor cop could even tell her about his good deed that he would just take her ass to jail.  So when taking her places where authority figures, or medical representatives are present I have to give her little pep talks about manners.  "Remember mom, they are just doing their jobs.  The questions they ask, they ask everyone," and so on and so forth.  So when I took her to the pharmacy to get her medicine I had to remind her that she could talk anyone in the entire Wal-Mart however she wanted, but she had to be polite to the pharmacy techs.  "Just hand her your prescription, ask how long it will be and say thankyou."

      "Why the fuck do I have to be nice to everyone?  That bitch in there is crazier than I am and they let her on the other side of the counter with all the medicines!"
       "Ya, but she's got security on her side mom."
       "Fuck her security, I'll go find someone to talk to in the pet department!"

     And she did, she found her a man in the pet department looking at one of those retractable leashes and boy, did she sell him on it.  She told him all about how well it works for her dog, how she got her leash at a yardsale, the breed of her dog (a black pitt/lab named Onyx, and you better not ever call her dog a black bitch either, thems fightin' words) and asked the man what breed his dog was.  Too bad he didn't look like he had a big crop.  She said good morning to passers by and when they didn't respond, she responded "Well I guess not then!" but she left the lady behind the counter of the pharmacy alone and we made it in out and out of there with no confrontations!  Yay for you mama.  I love you!

   HAPPY FUCKIN MONDAY EVERYONE FROM ME AND MY MAMA!!!

Shit My Mom Says..Mondays

• My daughter is laying flat on my mom's kitchen floor, swishing her head back and forth like a mop...         mom says: 

       "Get your hair off of that floor right now!  Do you know how much pee I put on that floor?  I pee on it every night.  Don't you tell nobody that though."        
     
I can just see my 5 year old's eyes light up. I'm sure she'll be telling her whole class soon enough.

• She is supposed to be listing things she is good at, and her dreams for her counselors' appointment.  I'm over visiting and helping her brainstorm. My mom is good at lots of things and I was sure to help her with that list but I told her her dreams were on her own to list.  They went a little something like this:

     "I dreamed I was 7' tall, it never happened.  I dreamed I was walking along an ocean beach.....That shit's not happening either.  What the fuck am I supposed to dream about!?!!?"

• Every time my mom says something that just has me laughing my ass off now, I look for a pen and paper so I can remember it for my Monday posts.    She's told me repeatedly that she doesn't give a damn that I have this blog posting.  But the last ROTFLMFAO comment had me yelling to my 5 year old to get me a pen immediately.  She's eyeing me sideways now.  She very calmly says:

     "What the fuck are you writing?
     "Shit My Mom Says Mondays, mom.  I told you about this."        
     "Hmm.  More like Diary of a Crazy White Woman's Mad Black Daughter!"
     "God I love my mom."


HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY EVERYONE FROM ME AND MY MOM!                                                        

Beauty That Turns A Man To Stone....Haiku for You

Medusa, you are

misconceived in your glory

they only see ill.

I see you in there.

With your star like qualities,

you blow them away.

Crumbling and cracking,

when their eyes meet with your own.

Turns a man to stone.

Your beauty unseen,

they cant love you if they look

for what lies beneath.

Close your eyes sweetness,

pray for a blind man to see

you in your true self.

Open them again

the snakes still writhe in your hair

No longer hidden.

Your lover can't see.

Or you'll turn that man to stone.

May as well give up.

Let him only touch

that which you want him to see.

Or it will end him.

No more love for you.

Too bad for you Medusa.

Your eyes tell the truth.

Shit My Mom Says..Mondays

You're not using my ashtray for a fucking ashtray! What's wrong with you?    
 -sorry mom, I thought that's what its for.  It's a really cool ashtray though, more art than function but still, its a fucking ashtray.

I put the lizard in the bathroom and you'll never guess where I found him....in the shower bless his little heart.
-yup, figure that one out on your own peeps. The lizard is obviously too fucking cold to do anything but lay around in the shower stall and wait to get captured.  He could have maybe made his grand escape if he'd only got up to the toilet....but then I'd have got the late night call that we were going to have to come help her search the pipes for her lizard.

I don't mind scratching your dog's ass, cuz he can't reach it, but really he's got to stop looking at me like that.  Don't you ever scratch his ass for him?
-nope, I leave that for y'all two's quality time when you come to visit mom.




HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY!!!

Friday

Fucking Friday,

It's my Friday.

Just got to get through this last day, Friday.

Freaky Friday,

It's my Friday.

Clean the kitchen and cook dinner Friday.

Fantabulous Friday,

It's my Friday.

Gonna get home tonight and freak him Friday.

Fuck, it's Friday.

Good fucking Friday,

Only got two days left to pull an Easter Bunny out of my ass Friday.

Fuck Friday.

Be good to me Friday.

I let you sneak up on me and surprise me Friday.

Happy Friday

It feels like a Good Friday.

Get off the computer and go to work Friday.

HAIKUS FOR U

It hurts me to live.

In a body so painful.

I wish I was free.

How do I do it?

I'm from a different mold.

You wonder don't you.

I can't go with you.

I can't walk the frozen lake.

I'm someone's mama.

untitled mad, does my anger stink or something?

Dear coworkers, unsuspecting probably innocent customers as well as the ones who deserve what I give,

   We all have our bad days, and today is one of mine.  I'm sorry that when I come to work 15 minutes early, it's not to jump on the floor and start taking tables.  It's because I was soooo sick of my life outside of work, that coming here was the only other place to go and so I left for here earlier than usual.  I'm just gonna sit out here in my fucking beat up ass hooptie and see how many cigarettes I can chain smoke in 15 minutes.  It takes more than makeup to give me this hustle face I put on for your viewing pleasure.  My cellophane smile is fueled by nicotine and redbulls.

    Now, I know that you are used to the Fick in a lady suit who works so well with you all and is always so bright and cheery.  Well today you are getting a good look at the real me.  And even though I still flash this smile and bat my eyes trying to make my tips and am the picture of a super-ninja-jedi-perfectly polite waitress, somehow, there are a few of you who see through to the pissed off she-dragon lurking under this skin.  I suppose of course this is because coworkers are like another family and regulars who just sit around watching me work all the time can tell the difference in my attitudes even when I'm fakin it to make it.    I also have a very expressive face and so some of the shit I'm thinking and trying my best not to let come spewing out of my mouth like fire can be read there by those of you who know me or just happen to be looking.  If you've read some of the earlier bitchings of mine, you'll know that I think a lot of shit that I cant say for need for gainful employment.

   However it may be, you all fucking know when I'm having an off day; its like you smell it.  Let me say thanks for noticing but don't fucking ask and do not assume and just give me advice on whatever problem it is that you think I have. I can't really tell you all the shit I got in my soul.  And half the time, I don't even know what the fuck my problem is.  I try to leave it in the hooptie with my cigarette butts and redbull cans.  I try to come in and have the easiest shift I can run so that I have no hang ups getting the fuck out of here when its quitting time.  

    And it isn't always whatever I left at the door that sets my horns growing, half the time it's some bullshit going on here that has me just pissy. Maybe its you, dumb ass.  Maybe you are the one I need to kick in the lips.  I fucking work HARD.  I fucking feed people for a living.  I know you need a menu you bastard, can your fat ass finish sitting down first?  Can I put this mother fucking water down before I pass it to you?  God, if you were my kid I'd eyeball you so bad right now you'd put yourself in time out.  If you just walked into my busy restaurant with only one waitress on duty (the fantabulous me of course, but I only got 2 arms), and you walk past all the clean tables to park your ass at a dirty god damned table, you are setting yourself up for me to instantly hate your guts.  I have to now fit bussing said dirty table, while you sit there and put your elbows all in someone else's crumbs, into my already too long list of shit people need from me.  You got your nerve pointing out the spot I missed with my towel or the shit on the floor.  You picked this shitty table when all the ready to be waited on tables watched you pass them by.  Don't complain its too wet now that I've fucking washed it like I was supposed to do!

    Little old bitch, ya you.  Might I have a word?  If you bring your ass in my fucking restaurant and tell me you are in a hurry, you better fucking be strapped for time.  After you ask me ten zillion and fuckin six questions about every thing on the menu and interrupt me eleven times while I'm trying to tell you the answers to eight of them, I wonder why your mama didn't take you for a ride down by the lake when you were little. Seriously, how the fuck did you get so old being such a fucking pain in the ass?  I know you've got to be single huh.  Who the fuck could stand you?  You are stupidity in a bag of wrinkles.  And when you are still at my table an hour later, now I'm taking it personal.  You are lingering in my section.  You are squatting.  Your food is gone.  You were in a rush and now you're not.  You chased down the other waitress in another section to try and get your order taken because of the rush you were in and I came directly to get it like I'd tried to do 999 times already since you got here, and you turn to the people who are with you and say, " well have you decided yet?" lady, you're gonna get bit by a beast messing with me, I thought you was fucking ready!! You with all your questions: "well which soup do you like best?", "how old is the cheesecake?", "would you eat it?"; and all your shit "I'm such a poor old lifetime student, I can only leave you a buck for all your troubles", "I'm a struggling student."   Lady,  I hate you like I hate so few people in this world.  You like fucking with me. I want to shake the shit out of you and look for a new job tomorrow.  All the annoying ass people like you are sooo lucky that I have younglings at home who depend on me or I would snatch you up.

    So in closing, let me again say thank you to everyone who gives a fuck if I'm ok or not.  It means a lot to know you care and I appreciate all the shit you do to help me out when it gets assed out crazy in here and I need to smoke and pee.  I'm proud of the teamwork we put out while on shift together slinging coffee and burgers to the masses.  I'm glad to know that you all recognize what I do for you and and return the favors to me when you can.  I'm glad that there are those of you ladies I work with who will take the really bad customers for me because you know how detrimental they are to this dragon temper of mine.  I really do love you.  Thankyou for always trying to cheer me up if I'm sad, calm me down if I'm pissed, help me out if I'm in the bushes, and cover my ass if I'm having a nic-fit.   And all my regulars who I love too.  Y'all don't all know me well, even if this is a bitty ass town, but you all think the best of me.  That means a lot when I sometimes think so little of myself.

Sincerely,

Fickwillium

     

What's Ur Name

Why is every fucking thing under the sun my fault?
What's ur name?
Mama.
Well that's why dumbass.

Ook! An Ode

Last year in the summer,

when the sky was blue
my children were growing

and a mama's heart was turning  blue too.

There came a little brown ball of fur

that was sweet and bitty 

and needed me to be her mama.

I gave her all her shots.

I took her out side to pee.

And when I ate my lifesavers,

she'd eat the orange ones for me.

My vicious bitch. 

A shedragon's mama dawg.

You watched over my horde.

She slept with my babies,

and kept them warm.

She started a lot of shit,

took a lot of them too.

And when I laid down each night,

She'd be like "mom, I'm comin wit u".

You zigged when you shoulda zagged

Ookla my baby girl. 

It was over so fast, 

we woke up, got out of bed

and when I let you outside

within 5 minutes, 

you left my world.

I run a pack, 

I am the alpha.

And each loss I take

I feel it in my soul.

OOK! 

Get out the trash!

Ook!

Stop chewing on the baby's toy!

Ookla get off my blanket, I'm too hot.

And leave the big dogs alone!

OOK!

Mamas I'm sorry.  I'll miss you with my heart.

You were only with me for a minute

but in this pack's life you played your part.

So skip through fields now and stay off of Heaven's highways.

If you see old Oogla the Beast,

beware he was the meanest. Thats how you got your name!

And if you see old Sho'Nuff, 

have fun he was such a lover!

Dig holes, Chew God's slippers,

and visit my babies in their dreams.

Shit My Mom Says..Mondays

• "Stop playing with your food!  You can't ride the bus if you smell like ham."   She was talking to Muffin but I'm thinking this should actually be posted at the bus stop.
• "My therapist asked me to say the first thing that comes to mind.  Her first one was Barack Obama.  I said green kool aid"     How the fuck did you put those two together mom?

     HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY EVERYONE FROM ME N MY MAMA!

spillagefromwithin.blogspot.com

Zachariah

Happy Birthday Little Man. I love you.

A Random Thought...

  It might be a little late, but how come Shel Silverstein didn't get arrested for publishing an ad to sell his little sister, who was obviously a minor at the time?

Imitation Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

I see her,

she cant do like me.

She may walk and talk and strut,

like me.

But in the dark,

where the truth lies

she will never be 

like me.

I don't have to check myself,

hitch my pants

 or tighten my bra straps.

And I don't need 

no damned mirror,

to see

me.

All I gotta do is look

over there,

and some girls

tryna be

like me.

Thats My Daughter...

Thank you Lord for the beautiful blessings you've given me in my children.  They are the light that shines through me.  My arrows.  My daughters...  Keep them safe in your arms forever more.

Daianna Rae

you are my ray of sunshine.

Amari Daizionae'

baby girl you light up my world.

"Love me or hate me, both are in my favor.  If you love me, I'll always be in your heart....If you hate me I'll always be in your mind"    ~Shakespeare 

O Nonna, Whats Her Name?

O Nonna,

Pretty Princess Punkin Pie

Hey Jude

Twisted Sister

Nonna Rae

Dai Dai

Rebugga Sue

na na na nananana nananana hey Jude.

You! Come're I'm talkin to you!

Go Then

what cracks me up the most

is how you profess to not need me.

you left and took your shit

but lots of that shit was mine....

you tried to give some back,

but you forgot my movies,

my time,

and my piece of mind.

so while you so busy livin yo life

and not needing nothin from me,

remember you still got my shit

and that just like i've got by without it,

i'll get by without you.

guess what!

i killed the spider above my bed.

i chopped kindling and started the fire.

i fed, watered, untangled, and played with the dogs.

i bathed my babies and did they hair.

i paid all of the bills.

i did all of the shopping.

i cussed that mothafucka out and stood up for myself.

i fixed the toilet.

i changed the tire.

guess what nigga!

i don't need you.

neva crackin unda pressure even tho pressure crack pipes.  my bitch got my back whether i'm wrong or i'm right.
she hates my guts.  she makes me sick. i fuckin caint stand tha bitch.

just me n my bitch....fuckin love e40

Alone

Till now, I always survived on my own.  I never really cared until I met you.
I miss him.  Wish he'd come home.  I'm alone and blue.
Wonder does he miss me to...

And The Beat Goes On

I don't know what to say to you.

I can't say how I really feel.

Every time I tell you the truth,

What's in my heart just makes you reel.

I'd say I'm sorry, but I don't think that's right,

I've lost a lot of people so dear to me.

Cuz I stopped tellin' lies.

So I'll be alone, dancing all by myself.

The world keeps spinning, my heart keeps beating

My loneliness is nothing when I'm on my own.

Like it is when you are here by my side.

One day I'm sure, you'll hear my music,

You'll take those steps, and bounce with me.

Till then, I'll dance a solo step,

To the beat of a dragon's heart strings.

Baby Girl Gone...

Isis, baby you will live in auntie's heart forever.  I will love you forever.  Blood of my blood.  It is what it is, Isis Serenity Barton.  3/12/11.  Always and forever.

I'm Livin' The List

• I got my quilted leather jacket.
• Every under thing I have says Victoria's Secret on the back lol
• Brand new digital camera bundle
• He got me my bridal set, so beautiful too
• My vanity will be here next week
• I am ever evolving and changing my style
• Steppin my bag game up n shoes to boots bitches
• 2011 gittin it in
• Nookcolor with more books than I can read
• Should I buy the laptop too?

You Must Not Know Bout Me

I'm just somebody's momma, as regular as can be.

I cook, I clean, I cuddle, I scold, and kiss their wounded knees.

I'm also only someone's wife,

If you ask me that means I have no life!

Between mom and wife,

I pay the price.

Someday I'll get myself back again.

But will I feel a new start, or will it be just the end?

I've only really been at this for a minute,

But someday they'll be grown, and I'll have did it!

Then what will I do? How will I be?

Alone in an empty nest? Or finally set free!

But please don't get it twisted,

You just don't know my head.

I know I might wish it,

But without my hubby and kids, I'd be dead!

Just Another Day

All today is, is just another one.
We bitch and moan and gripe.
All work and no fun.
It starts and ends like the one before.
When will it stop?
I don't want no more.

Irrationality and Nonsensicality Make Perfect Dollas To Me

I didn't have a shadow either but I left a cosmic footprint right on the under side of that ass.  This morning I realized that I too can fucking count by twos and tie my shoes.  Fuck you bitch, you just a temp.  When it stops flying and comes to the bottom, you'll be gone and I'll still be eatin pie.  I'd be sad for you but I'm too busy looking at my shit sparkle in the dark.  The more we fight the beast the longer it will take us to reach ascension, and all the flowers will wilt and die.  You have no power over me and I'm not scared over your snowpocolypse. Bitch I makes it rain.  And I can't feel you in my placenta.  Its somewhere in a biohazzardous waste disposal site you dirty bastard.  Let me tickle your brain though for a minute so I can get a whiff of what it smells like.  Don't be scared.  I wont eat you.  You'd give me gas.  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha and a big piss face ass bitch it'd be then.

Ashes..

We all fall down. can we get back up. when im ready to walk away, he finds a way to make me stay. 

They'll blow away. dont catch your dumbass on fire cuz you turned away. when it all burns where will you play?

Dont let them get in your eye. or under your skin. let that shit happen and its the ashes that win.

So burn it. but dont blow it dipshit

Hellur February How U Doin.....

where the fuck is the snow at man?
the weather and the world has gone crazy.
do you really think i can?
stand to sit to lay im so lazy.
goin through it to get to the other side.
why thankyou so much, i know i am yo,
hell ya i got pride wanna take it for a ride?
if it don't make dollas it dont make sense though
the world is my ashtray muthafucka kiss it.

another one bites the dust

lady loo this one's for u

bom chicka womp womp

that's tha song that was playin that night at the strip club. 

like i said, i'm in your debt.

so let me know if we gotta drop it drop it low again

to see who can wear those stillettos!

and as for the jerk, i mean jerky,

well i AM a purple people eater.

i just couldnt find no people cept u!

cant eat u youre sweet as pie. 

so thanks again. there is no one like u.

and fuck you bruce willis.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT PAUL