Thursday, November 17, 2011

I stalked you and your girlfriends on facebook tonight.  Out of sheer boredom and nothing else.  I am lonely tonight.  Wishing I had someone and thinking about when I did and I was still lonely.  I want to text you something nasty to make myself present in your night.  Hope I fuck up your feelings.  I want to tell you that you are a jerk one more time, as if this time somehow, it'd get through your fucking head.  But it wont and I know it and I really do pity you deep down.  Instead of calling to hear your lies or texting to read your bullshit, I decided to blog where I doubt you will ever see it but the only place I can let it out for the pain in my words that it is to me.
You broke my fucking heart a zillion times over and I am free of you.  It has been about five months now.  But still, I feel the pain and hurt and scars of you.  And the beast in me wants to keep hurting you. I want to kick and poke at you.  Even when I know that you don't give a damn.  It hurts me still.  That I loved you so hard and you turned out to be my undoing.  
Now I'm picking up the pieces.  Because I chose life, and the possibility of a better existence for our kids over the sickness pain and hurt that was you.  But late at night, when my babies are sleeping and this house is quiet, I think of you.  I think of all that could have been and all that was.  I think of what it really is.  A hot mother fucking mess.  That's what it is.  I do not regret walking away and I never will.  I tried so hard for so long to make it better and to stay even though it wasn't.  I warned you...
And now I am gone but I'm still mad about going.  Isn't that a bitch!  I am mad that you still are such a retard that you cant see your fucking sins or see that I see right through your bullshit and have for sometime now....I'm mad that I am seeing it all from the other side now and am just as mad at me.  People say that abuse is bad and that if you're in a relationship with someone who hurts you then you should just walk away.  If I had, who knows who I'd be now.  But I wouldn't have the girls either...But I wouldn't wear the scars you've given me either.  I wouldn't think that no matter how many fucking love stories I read, love is a fucking fake ass joke and good guys don't exist.  When all you know is hurt and pain and meanness in a relationship, how can you ever really believe that people actually love and respect and appreciate eachother in a relationship?   I wish there is a good guy out there for me.  Someone who someday makes me see that I am worth loving and treating like a princess and staying faithful to.  But I'm just a shell of the girl I once was.  I am just the remains of your love and what you did to me cannot be undone.  Who will love me now?  I'm having a hard time loving myself these days.  Its hard to believe that there's love out there for me still.  After all the years of you telling me how bad I am, I actually might believe it a bit.  I try to prove a little bit more each day that I am nothing that you said I was, but deep down, I hear your voice in my head even that you are gone.  I married you, I joined my heart to yours.  I carried two of your children.  I wept for you, I bled for you.  I still do.  I hate you.

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