I stalked you and your girlfriends on facebook tonight. Out of sheer boredom and nothing else. I am lonely tonight. Wishing I had someone and thinking about when I did and I was still lonely. I want to text you something nasty to make myself present in your night. Hope I fuck up your feelings. I want to tell you that you are a jerk one more time, as if this time somehow, it'd get through your fucking head. But it wont and I know it and I really do pity you deep down. Instead of calling to hear your lies or texting to read your bullshit, I decided to blog where I doubt you will ever see it but the only place I can let it out for the pain in my words that it is to me.
You broke my fucking heart a zillion times over and I am free of you. It has been about five months now. But still, I feel the pain and hurt and scars of you. And the beast in me wants to keep hurting you. I want to kick and poke at you. Even when I know that you don't give a damn. It hurts me still. That I loved you so hard and you turned out to be my undoing.
Now I'm picking up the pieces. Because I chose life, and the possibility of a better existence for our kids over the sickness pain and hurt that was you. But late at night, when my babies are sleeping and this house is quiet, I think of you. I think of all that could have been and all that was. I think of what it really is. A hot mother fucking mess. That's what it is. I do not regret walking away and I never will. I tried so hard for so long to make it better and to stay even though it wasn't. I warned you...
And now I am gone but I'm still mad about going. Isn't that a bitch! I am mad that you still are such a retard that you cant see your fucking sins or see that I see right through your bullshit and have for sometime now....I'm mad that I am seeing it all from the other side now and am just as mad at me. People say that abuse is bad and that if you're in a relationship with someone who hurts you then you should just walk away. If I had, who knows who I'd be now. But I wouldn't have the girls either...But I wouldn't wear the scars you've given me either. I wouldn't think that no matter how many fucking love stories I read, love is a fucking fake ass joke and good guys don't exist. When all you know is hurt and pain and meanness in a relationship, how can you ever really believe that people actually love and respect and appreciate eachother in a relationship? I wish there is a good guy out there for me. Someone who someday makes me see that I am worth loving and treating like a princess and staying faithful to. But I'm just a shell of the girl I once was. I am just the remains of your love and what you did to me cannot be undone. Who will love me now? I'm having a hard time loving myself these days. Its hard to believe that there's love out there for me still. After all the years of you telling me how bad I am, I actually might believe it a bit. I try to prove a little bit more each day that I am nothing that you said I was, but deep down, I hear your voice in my head even that you are gone. I married you, I joined my heart to yours. I carried two of your children. I wept for you, I bled for you. I still do. I hate you.