im gettin sick of it. the shit thats not said. i roll it around in my head till it almost slips to my tounge n i pull it back in. things need to change. you need to change.

  Look at you.  Like a little girl.  Crying.  God I love Bluntcard. 
           I like to cry like one, every now and then.  Mostly I just spend my time wishing I could cry.  No, that's a lie.  I'd rather throw a fit like a two year old of any sex.  That'd be great.  Grown ass woman that I am, screamin and cryin and stomping my size 10's.
         I hate having to smile, the work I have to put into being personable.  I fuckin hate persons.  Lots of them could care less about me too.  I'm just another rat in the race.  I don't even like to run.  But that's what I do, run my ass off.  And I don't even like rats.
          Hungry rats, sleepy rats, dirty rats.... I've never met a rat I don't hate.  I work so hard it makes me want to cry, just like a little damned girl.  It makes me miss the little girls I have at home waiting on me to come home with smiles.  At least the smiles I give them are the real deal.  Everyone else gets my cellophane smile.

Muffin Oh Muffin

Baby let me be your mama,
stop takin' all your milestones.
You put on your own pajamas,
and can do so many things on your own.
Don't go tellin' everybody,
but I like you best I think.
You are me in a tiny body,
even though you and punkin are linked.
Muffin oh Muffin,
please don't grow so fast.
You know already when I'm bluffin,
and that my bad moods don't last.
Let me be your teacher,
let me help you grow.
I'm scared I'll never reach her,
I wish the time would slow.
I've never met a little girl like you,
sweet, smart, tough and chocolate too.
She's a little beast my girl,
she's gonna take over the world.
Baby girl, stay my baby,
oh Muffin I love you so.

Dont Say Everything You Think

Here's lookin at you fugly.

so you're blaming the bacon?

I miss my nights with my babies.

I'm telling you now if you wanna make it about you we can make it about you but you won't like it.

My mood will kick your mood's ass, dont fuck with me.

You wanna know whats fuckin me up right now, its this blanket. It's disconcerting to say the least.

Its only 2 out of the 3 monkeys lookin at me, but thats still too many.

You like this. Dontcha.

Fuck you stinky hall. Its like you WORK at stinkin like that. You actively stink. Foul. Stank. Eeeew. Fuck you.

Who takes a baby mosquito out on her first kill?

I'm not in the light baby. The light is in me.

If it aint about dollas dont holla!

But you are kinda evil fick.

Kiss it bitches.

Is it something wrong wit yo couch?

Thought Jason was the repo man. Not Jude. Now I love him.

He got me my truck. Amazed me.

He loves me,I love him not. I love him, he loves me not. He loves me. He do.

Cellophane shoulda been my name.

Courtney I still miss u. It still hurts.

How does he love me? Let me count the ways.....nah neva mind.

Mary Alice Young was a cold piece of work. A gangsta. Shout out from one desperate housewife to anotha!

Idk what it is about me that makes people think I give a fuck.

Im even pretty in tha mornin bitches.

Fickit. Dont fuckit.

Still I fuckin rise! Go Maya Angelou

i thought....

my new hair cut was really just a stroke of luck. her purse was really ugly and i dont care that its green. who are you to open my wallet bitch? allz you needed to see was that it was pink, jus like my scales today. you jus dont know you fuckin wit a killa. suga booga. when did he decide he loves his wife? my baby is a big girl, so smart n black. look out world, muffin a beast like her mama. oooooooooooo i. i jus died in your arms tonight. mustve been somethin you said. i missed my chance to walk away too. it kills me to see his tears. gangstas dont cry. ooh there goes my car! did i take my pill today? is that why i feel like cryin? i must've reached the blue to green pill part of our programming schedule.... awwwwwwwwwww lookit the puppy. dont cry dont cry dont cry. my baby's not a baby no more she a big girl. i left my soda in the car. no priors, damn that was good to hear. ya ya! you dont tip well enough for me to like your toothless ass and im gettin tired of you sittin in my section. ring that bell one more time.....muthafucka im standin right here. limeade is better than this shit. who died n made u my FDA? i better get gas n blunts n xxx vitamin water now instead of later. i gotta date wit tha back door n you standin in my way.

ode to my yaya

ode to you dear ya ya of mine....
she who rides balls to tha wall-rockstarrin it out.
my lucky star, that's what you are.
i love you like no other.
if i say i'm goin to jail, she says she comin with me.
is that love or what?
maybe she just knows how hard it is for me to make new friends.



we are tha mighty ya ya's. let no man put us unda :-P
what a ya ya i got ya'll, she not only road dawgs, but loves my babies like her own.
she is an extension of me. my finest self. she makes me better.
i love her.
white girl.
does she knock?
no.
will she listen to my heart?
you know it.
do she got a ya ya's back?
hellz yeah.
bet you wish you had a ya ya like i got.
she's part of an elite sisterhood of traveling wallets and boots.
of midnight margaritas and fish fries.
of true blood and laundry parties.
ya ya, i heart you.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck You!!!

I just want to say before I begin that I mean every bit of this.....

Fuck you orange juice machine, I fuckin hate flossin all that pulp off of you at the end of the night. You're nasty and you've turned me off of orange juice and I hate you a little for that.
Fuck you stinky hallway, we've been through this before, but I just wanted to put it out there again in case you didn't fuckin get it the first time.
Fuck you creepy hot Indian soldier. I don't want you either.
To all the sharky ass bitches I work with, a big ol Fuck You is in order. I got standards, ethics n some more shit y'all bitches don't know about.
Fuck you check engine light, you don't fuckin scare me!
Fuck you princess and your little dog too. Stop following people around and goin in their houses.
Fuck you crooked ass house. I cant fix it, but I can say Fuck You one more time to get over it.
Fuck you flies, moths, pincher bugs, spiders and that one slug that I saw. Fuck you all. I'm bigger.
FUCK YOU T-Mobile. You fuckin suck monkey ass and I hope your corporate office gets blown over in a tornado. I wont be extending my contract, believe me.
Fuck you milk shake machine. It's not fuckin rocket science, 4 scoops of ice cream, this much milk and Bam! it should be a shake. You ALWAYS fuck it up for me and I hate you for it.
Fuck you fish. Nuff said.
Fuck you dumb truckers. What the fuck makes you think I'm just sittin here waitin for some jerk in a Peterbuilt to come sweep me off my feet? Mothafucka, I already gotta Mack.
I almost forgot, Fuck you Farmville, you stole 5 months of my life and I will never forgive you for it and go back to you.
Fuck you new cream carpet and you too dirt for a fuckin yard. The two of you will NOT be my stress box. I don't care what the fuck may happen to you. Wishing for an accident already to break the tension.
Fuck you fly strips. A necessary evil, yes. But I hate you nasty thangs anyways. I'm gettin screens.
Fuck you haters. I aint no fuckin window shoppa. Stay ready, keep yo head right and keep yo paper straight and you too could have what I got. Peep that game.
Fuck you laundry. And Fuck you dishes.
Fuck you potty training.
Fuck you back ache.
Fuck you cabinets. I despise bad shelving.
Fuck it. I'm done. For now.

there's a leaf on the top of this oak in my front yard. no other leaves remain from last summer's foilage but this one. its been on that tree as long as i've been in this house. he's hardheaded, this leaf, just like me. i've photographed him. he knows. he poses.

in the summer sun when we first moved in and he still had summer leaf friends hangin out up there on the branches with him. he smiled, even said "cheeeeeese". in a fall rain storm, where the wind whipped and water poured. some of his friends fell to the ground, but he held on and looked grimly into the lense of my camera. again, the morning after a nasty winter snow storm. i went out to survey the damage. i looked all around and then suddenly up to my leaf friend at the top of the oak. he was still there. cold as shit, i'm sure, but there for his close up.

he's still up there. i checked this morning. steadfast and resolute, this leaf friend of mine. i wonder how long he'll stay once the new spring and summer leaves grow in to push him out. i'm moving at the end of this summer. i may just climb up there and get him, take him with me. he reminds me of myself.

MOM

mama?
mom?
mommy!
now mama?
why mama?
please mama?
mama?
now mama?
how long now mama?
i like it better when YOU do it mama.
please mama.
please.
sorry mama.
i love you mama.
can i mama?
will you mama?
mama?
mama?
mom.
mommy.
excuse me mama.
now mama?
hold me mama.
kiss me mama.
i'm sorry mama.
my mommy said so.
let's go mom.
mom.
mom.
momma.
mommmmmyyyy.
i'm talking to you mom.
do you hear my words mom?
i don't like green beans mom.
i took my diaper off again mom.
aint i cute though mama?
mom?
look at me mama?
mama!
mom!
mom!
look what i made mommy.
it's for you mom.
mommy?
mama!
i love my mommy.
she's the best.
i'm telling my mommy.
mom!
mama.
mama?
mom.
i want my mama.
where's my mom?
mommy.
mom.
did you hear me mom?
it hurts mama.
i need you mama.
mommy?
i need you.
rub my back mama.
sing me a song.
mommy.
mommy.
mom.
don't leave me mommy.
help me mama.
i want my mom.
mama.
mama!
mommy.
mom!
can i come mommy?
she hit me mama.
look what i can do mom.
mommy?
mama!
mama?
well whats your name then?

I'm Special, So Special

Not to go around tootin' my horn, but I'm about to let you know EXACTLY why I'm the Shit...

• I am the queen of my world, my existence, and definately the queen of this damned house!
• I am not a compliment seeker. I know i'm the shit.
• I know that all I have is today, so i'll be fucked if I don't try to live it up.
• I am NOBODY'S punk.
• I am the better bitch and I know it. Beerfaced ass bitches of the world, y'all betta recognize!
• I am ever changing and ever evolving. U aint gotta try to change me, just try to keep up!
• I am more than they think I am, more than they'll ever know.
• I make life. Yup that's right. I am a soul creater, a life giver. God charged me with the creation of two new beings to guide in this world, and I am doin the damned thang!
• Long hair, short hair, hell I could be bald and I'd still be cute.
• I'm me'd out today and I'm lovin' it. Me me me. Oooh me, I'm in love wit me!
• I am a MIGHTY MUTHAFUCKIN' YA-YA.
• I'm tha baddest bitch I know.
• This the fickwilliumm show. That means I'm the star and the rest of y'all is supporting actors. Dont go gettin all offended though like I dont play my role on yo show!
• I am the fence. I am the bow. I am the dragon. I am the shit. I am the queen. I am the beginning and the end. I am the mama.
• I am the shit.

Nuff said? I hope so.

It's Ending Now

It's ending now, this love inside me that I thought would last forever
The tears in my heart are drying up. No more to fall from these eyes.
The lies he's told me shall be the last, for I can no longer stand to hear them.
I was the one who believed in happily ever after, so I am to be the one to close the book on this so called fairy tale.
Hood love, is that what it was or is?
Should we call it young love, now that it is dying so relatively soon?
If I have to live the rest of my life without ever knowing another love like this; then what kind of love will I say it was on my deathbed?
Lost love?
Am I now, at 26, contemplating the end of my love; in fact preparing myself to leave my soulmate?
Is he the only one I'll ever get?
He is I, and I am he.
We are us.
Eternally.
Nothing will ever change about that, even as so many other things will.
I'm pointing the finger now.
HE killed my love.
It was him, I saw him do it, I feel the wounds old and new like they're infected.
As if he put a knife to my soul and ripped my heart into a million pieces.
He cut it away bit by bit, piece by piece.
Over so many years, so long it took that I didnt feel the pain all at once, just in little hurts.
But I can feel it all now, so keenly I want to fall to my knees and wail from my gut.
It's ending now.
My mind, my body, my life and my love.
I gave them all to him.
Trusted him to care for them.
The best father a mother could hope to have for her babies, i can't deny him that.
But what about being the best husband he could possibly be to a young woman who wanted so badly to believe in him?
Promises, whispers in the dark, his lips upon my skin.
I'm a woman so hurt I can hardly see past my tears anymore.
What good is this family I dreamed of for my babies if the love that created it is tainted.
Why does it have to hurt so bad?
How could he call it love?
His brand of lovin' leaves burns.
Darker than red, and brighter than blue.
I'm burgundy now.
Every time I close my eyes.
He killed the hope in me, hurt a part of me I can't even point to.
It just hurts so bad.
It's ending now.
I prayed it never would, I swore I'd never let it.
It's ending now.

This one's caught on and won't let go. An idea, a thought, a stirring in my soul to put words on paper, screen, or bathroom walls if need be. I just have to get them out. Words, I see them when I close my eyes, dancing across my vision but just out of sight. I need to feel them flow out of me so I can read them and know what they say. Maybe it's the secrets of the universe, or just the random thoughts of a restless mind. A dam has been released inside of me. For the first time in over 10 years I feel the need to create.

a quiet evening by the lake, just he and i. a dinner where we sat in the restaraunt and actually shot the shit. if these are the moments, then i am so grateful for them. its hard loving someone you want to set on fire and laugh at, but hey, i guess this is marriage. i've loved him so long that i've lost myself in the mix. hard to believe i wanted to strangle him just two days ago, then where would i be? a ya ya on my own again, god grant me the serenity....i know i'd make it in this world without him, just as i know i don't wanna. so thankyou for these moments in which i look at him and wish for forever and think i might have a chance of being heard.

There's snow on my picnic table in the end of April. Why does this seem like such a desolate image? It speaks to me of my children, my childhood and theirs. It makes me wonder what the future holds. What will happen to the sweet little girls who say "thankyou mama" when i take them their snack to the table in the sun, smiling in the warm rays. Muffin. She moves her little body as she chews to a tune only she can hear. She dont need music to feel herself, daddy says. My Punkin, lookin at the world all around her. She is so smart, she just absorbs everything and asks so many questions I sometimes think she's gonna fry my brain... This is my legacy, they are my sunshine. Go away snow, you make a mama sad.