Monday, May 23, 2011

Shit My Mom Says...Mondays

  Wow, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post.  I've had bloggers block I guess.  I recently subscribed to Evernote (awesome shit) and am using it to keep track of blog topics, but I haven't been able to form any coherent thoughts worthwhile enough for a blog post.  Mom has had plenty of things to say in the last couple of weeks....

  • My mom has her 215 and she's gone to the club to get her medicine and takes forever getting back.  I know it's because she has to talk to everyone she sees between her front door and her destination about whatever comes out of her mouth.  When she returns, she seems a little out of sorts so I ask what happened. 
     "I'm in the club waiting for the lady to take care of me and another lady comes in and asks the price of the edible suckers.  $4.50!  $4.50 for a fucking sucker, mind you, and this lady wants to buy 20 of them!  I scoffed and told that lady I didn't see the need for anyone to buy 20 suckers unless they're taking them to a daycare!"

  I almost choked on my own tounge laughing at the image of a daycare filled with nice, quiet, laid back little stoner toddlers, all ready for snack and a nap!  Now, I want everyone to understand that this one was completely just mom talking shit.  She does not share with children lol.  Her motto is "if you just say no, there'll be more for me."  But of all the shit my mom says, this was one of those things she said in public which made it even funnier to me.

  • We talk every morning, either she calls me ass-crack early, well before my alarm goes off and then I end up oversleeping and Nonna misses the bus; or I go to her house the next town over after dropping the baby off at school.  This morning's conversation went a little something like this:

   "Mornin' Mama, how are you today?"
   "I'm fine Tina, how are you?"
   "Decent.  Whatcha doin' mom?"
   "Same thing I do every morning."
   "What's that mom, trying to take over the world?"
   "What?  I don't give a fuck about the world, I just want a man with a big ass crop I can take over!"

  Can't help you there mom, but it did lead me to the belief that medical marijuana patients should have a dating service.  Mom needs her a man.....a man with a master plan!

  • Mom has a problem with authority.  She hates cops, doctors, firemen, pharmacists...basically anyone with a badge or with  medical credentials.  If a cop today were to stop her on the sidewalk to let her know she had dropped her wallet, I'd probably have to bail her out of jail for accosting an officer.
    She would talk so much shit before the poor cop could even tell her about his good deed that he would just take her ass to jail.  So when taking her places where authority figures, or medical representatives are present I have to give her little pep talks about manners.  "Remember mom, they are just doing their jobs.  The questions they ask, they ask everyone," and so on and so forth.  So when I took her to the pharmacy to get her medicine I had to remind her that she could talk anyone in the entire Wal-Mart however she wanted, but she had to be polite to the pharmacy techs.  "Just hand her your prescription, ask how long it will be and say thankyou."
      "Why the fuck do I have to be nice to everyone?  That bitch in there is crazier than I am and they let her on the other side of the counter with all the medicines!"
       "Ya, but she's got security on her side mom."
       "Fuck her security, I'll go find someone to talk to in the pet department!"

     And she did, she found her a man in the pet department looking at one of those retractable leashes and boy, did she sell him on it.  She told him all about how well it works for her dog, how she got her leash at a yardsale, the breed of her dog (a black pitt/lab named Onyx, and you better not ever call her dog a black bitch either, thems fightin' words) and asked the man what breed his dog was.  Too bad he didn't look like he had a big crop.  She said good morning to passers by and when they didn't respond, she responded "Well I guess not then!" but she left the lady behind the counter of the pharmacy alone and we made it in out and out of there with no confrontations!  Yay for you mama.  I love you!


1 comment:

Delorne Janai said...

This is the Stuff... Yeah the GoOd StUfF!