Fuck, Fuck, Fuck You!!!

I just want to say before I begin that I mean every bit of this.....

Fuck you orange juice machine, I fuckin hate flossin all that pulp off of you at the end of the night. You're nasty and you've turned me off of orange juice and I hate you a little for that.
Fuck you stinky hallway, we've been through this before, but I just wanted to put it out there again in case you didn't fuckin get it the first time.
Fuck you creepy hot Indian soldier. I don't want you either.
To all the sharky ass bitches I work with, a big ol Fuck You is in order. I got standards, ethics n some more shit y'all bitches don't know about.
Fuck you check engine light, you don't fuckin scare me!
Fuck you princess and your little dog too. Stop following people around and goin in their houses.
Fuck you crooked ass house. I cant fix it, but I can say Fuck You one more time to get over it.
Fuck you flies, moths, pincher bugs, spiders and that one slug that I saw. Fuck you all. I'm bigger.
FUCK YOU T-Mobile. You fuckin suck monkey ass and I hope your corporate office gets blown over in a tornado. I wont be extending my contract, believe me.
Fuck you milk shake machine. It's not fuckin rocket science, 4 scoops of ice cream, this much milk and Bam! it should be a shake. You ALWAYS fuck it up for me and I hate you for it.
Fuck you fish. Nuff said.
Fuck you dumb truckers. What the fuck makes you think I'm just sittin here waitin for some jerk in a Peterbuilt to come sweep me off my feet? Mothafucka, I already gotta Mack.
I almost forgot, Fuck you Farmville, you stole 5 months of my life and I will never forgive you for it and go back to you.
Fuck you new cream carpet and you too dirt for a fuckin yard. The two of you will NOT be my stress box. I don't care what the fuck may happen to you. Wishing for an accident already to break the tension.
Fuck you fly strips. A necessary evil, yes. But I hate you nasty thangs anyways. I'm gettin screens.
Fuck you haters. I aint no fuckin window shoppa. Stay ready, keep yo head right and keep yo paper straight and you too could have what I got. Peep that game.
Fuck you laundry. And Fuck you dishes.
Fuck you potty training.
Fuck you back ache.
Fuck you cabinets. I despise bad shelving.
Fuck it. I'm done. For now.

there's a leaf on the top of this oak in my front yard. no other leaves remain from last summer's foilage but this one. its been on that tree as long as i've been in this house. he's hardheaded, this leaf, just like me. i've photographed him. he knows. he poses.

in the summer sun when we first moved in and he still had summer leaf friends hangin out up there on the branches with him. he smiled, even said "cheeeeeese". in a fall rain storm, where the wind whipped and water poured. some of his friends fell to the ground, but he held on and looked grimly into the lense of my camera. again, the morning after a nasty winter snow storm. i went out to survey the damage. i looked all around and then suddenly up to my leaf friend at the top of the oak. he was still there. cold as shit, i'm sure, but there for his close up.

he's still up there. i checked this morning. steadfast and resolute, this leaf friend of mine. i wonder how long he'll stay once the new spring and summer leaves grow in to push him out. i'm moving at the end of this summer. i may just climb up there and get him, take him with me. he reminds me of myself.

MOM

mama?
mom?
mommy!
now mama?
why mama?
please mama?
mama?
now mama?
how long now mama?
i like it better when YOU do it mama.
please mama.
please.
sorry mama.
i love you mama.
can i mama?
will you mama?
mama?
mama?
mom.
mommy.
excuse me mama.
now mama?
hold me mama.
kiss me mama.
i'm sorry mama.
my mommy said so.
let's go mom.
mom.
mom.
momma.
mommmmmyyyy.
i'm talking to you mom.
do you hear my words mom?
i don't like green beans mom.
i took my diaper off again mom.
aint i cute though mama?
mom?
look at me mama?
mama!
mom!
mom!
look what i made mommy.
it's for you mom.
mommy?
mama!
i love my mommy.
she's the best.
i'm telling my mommy.
mom!
mama.
mama?
mom.
i want my mama.
where's my mom?
mommy.
mom.
did you hear me mom?
it hurts mama.
i need you mama.
mommy?
i need you.
rub my back mama.
sing me a song.
mommy.
mommy.
mom.
don't leave me mommy.
help me mama.
i want my mom.
mama.
mama!
mommy.
mom!
can i come mommy?
she hit me mama.
look what i can do mom.
mommy?
mama!
mama?
well whats your name then?

I'm Special, So Special

Not to go around tootin' my horn, but I'm about to let you know EXACTLY why I'm the Shit...

• I am the queen of my world, my existence, and definately the queen of this damned house!
• I am not a compliment seeker. I know i'm the shit.
• I know that all I have is today, so i'll be fucked if I don't try to live it up.
• I am NOBODY'S punk.
• I am the better bitch and I know it. Beerfaced ass bitches of the world, y'all betta recognize!
• I am ever changing and ever evolving. U aint gotta try to change me, just try to keep up!
• I am more than they think I am, more than they'll ever know.
• I make life. Yup that's right. I am a soul creater, a life giver. God charged me with the creation of two new beings to guide in this world, and I am doin the damned thang!
• Long hair, short hair, hell I could be bald and I'd still be cute.
• I'm me'd out today and I'm lovin' it. Me me me. Oooh me, I'm in love wit me!
• I am a MIGHTY MUTHAFUCKIN' YA-YA.
• I'm tha baddest bitch I know.
• This the fickwilliumm show. That means I'm the star and the rest of y'all is supporting actors. Dont go gettin all offended though like I dont play my role on yo show!
• I am the fence. I am the bow. I am the dragon. I am the shit. I am the queen. I am the beginning and the end. I am the mama.
• I am the shit.

Nuff said? I hope so.

It's Ending Now

It's ending now, this love inside me that I thought would last forever
The tears in my heart are drying up. No more to fall from these eyes.
The lies he's told me shall be the last, for I can no longer stand to hear them.
I was the one who believed in happily ever after, so I am to be the one to close the book on this so called fairy tale.
Hood love, is that what it was or is?
Should we call it young love, now that it is dying so relatively soon?
If I have to live the rest of my life without ever knowing another love like this; then what kind of love will I say it was on my deathbed?
Lost love?
Am I now, at 26, contemplating the end of my love; in fact preparing myself to leave my soulmate?
Is he the only one I'll ever get?
He is I, and I am he.
We are us.
Eternally.
Nothing will ever change about that, even as so many other things will.
I'm pointing the finger now.
HE killed my love.
It was him, I saw him do it, I feel the wounds old and new like they're infected.
As if he put a knife to my soul and ripped my heart into a million pieces.
He cut it away bit by bit, piece by piece.
Over so many years, so long it took that I didnt feel the pain all at once, just in little hurts.
But I can feel it all now, so keenly I want to fall to my knees and wail from my gut.
It's ending now.
My mind, my body, my life and my love.
I gave them all to him.
Trusted him to care for them.
The best father a mother could hope to have for her babies, i can't deny him that.
But what about being the best husband he could possibly be to a young woman who wanted so badly to believe in him?
Promises, whispers in the dark, his lips upon my skin.
I'm a woman so hurt I can hardly see past my tears anymore.
What good is this family I dreamed of for my babies if the love that created it is tainted.
Why does it have to hurt so bad?
How could he call it love?
His brand of lovin' leaves burns.
Darker than red, and brighter than blue.
I'm burgundy now.
Every time I close my eyes.
He killed the hope in me, hurt a part of me I can't even point to.
It just hurts so bad.
It's ending now.
I prayed it never would, I swore I'd never let it.
It's ending now.

This one's caught on and won't let go. An idea, a thought, a stirring in my soul to put words on paper, screen, or bathroom walls if need be. I just have to get them out. Words, I see them when I close my eyes, dancing across my vision but just out of sight. I need to feel them flow out of me so I can read them and know what they say. Maybe it's the secrets of the universe, or just the random thoughts of a restless mind. A dam has been released inside of me. For the first time in over 10 years I feel the need to create.

a quiet evening by the lake, just he and i. a dinner where we sat in the restaraunt and actually shot the shit. if these are the moments, then i am so grateful for them. its hard loving someone you want to set on fire and laugh at, but hey, i guess this is marriage. i've loved him so long that i've lost myself in the mix. hard to believe i wanted to strangle him just two days ago, then where would i be? a ya ya on my own again, god grant me the serenity....i know i'd make it in this world without him, just as i know i don't wanna. so thankyou for these moments in which i look at him and wish for forever and think i might have a chance of being heard.